I’d really like to thank the EU for giving millions the world over so much unpaid work to do in getting ready for GDPR, the new data protection rules. These have resulted in every goddamn website you visit presenting you with yet more popups asking you to confirm you don’t think you’re as stupid as bureaucrats think you probably are, and are fully aware that the information you enter online is going to be used by the website for the purpose intended – because you normally input your name, email, address, credit cards and so on just for the hell of it, thinking it’ll all magically vanish as soon as you log off. Mind you keep your eyes open when crossing the road.
Millions of new privacy pages have been created on websites to ensure there’s plenty of material no fucker is every going to read unless they have no friends and love reading boring shite.
You also now have the option to download the data a website has on you from the same browser in the same browsing session, so if you do ask for it, you need to check your email immediately and act on the email that comes in then and there or you’ll have to go through it all over again. It’s a security measure meaning hacking and theft of data is now a thing of the past, with Russian supervillains now turning their attention to stealing nuclear weapons and the chemical weapons nobody has instead.
The EU should be warmly praised for enabling us to not access some sites the world over which can’t be arsed complying with the new requirements and have instead cut off access to their web services to anyone in the EU.
It’s fantastic that sole traders shacked up in tiny bedrooms have been expected to implement the same measures as multinational corporations. Any suggestion that GDPR has a whiff of Poll Tax unfairness about it is nonsense, because what a company can easily do with £100 billion in annual turnover is just as easy for Joe from Whitby to achieve with an income from his books of 79 pence every six months.
GDPR will hugely enhance consumer rights, just like the iTunes legal information everyone always reads whenever they update the software, which contains clauses you agree to that include handing over your first-born to Tim Cook at a time and date of his choosing and confirming you will allow Apple to repurpose your corpse upon your death for research into creating Apple-branded zombie cyborgs running iOS. Nobody complained about these requirements, so quit moaning about GDPR. As for Google, they’ll be coming for your livers in 2022, right on schedule, while Amazon Alexa will release the recordings it made of you having sex into the public domain in 2025, as per your agreement.
Andrew’s latest book, myfibromyalgia: one man’s experience of living with chronic illness, is out Monday 2 July in all Amazon store territories the world over. The ebook can be pre-ordered for £5.99 and the paperback will be £8.99 from the date of release.