I love the way random thoughts come, stir up the soup in my brain, lead to other thoughts and then go. I was eating my gluten-free pasta. I checked the label to confirm I didn’t buy Cardboard Flavour, but no, I didn’t. I gave some to the cats – false generosity, I know, like celebrities – but those feline food snobs turned their noses up at it. You can’t get away with any shit you try to pull on cats, I’m telling you. They. Are. Street. Even the ragdoll. She has excessive sass. There’s no cure but it’s not sad like when they took Bagpuss off the air.
(Incidentally, autocorrect decided I wanted to type ‘Vagpuss‘ – what even is that? A cream? I don’t know. I think autocorrect likes to invent new words and share them with Siri and Alexa over shots.)
So anyway, I was watching the cats paw at the pasta – checking it wasn’t about to attack them, I imagine – and I was thinking, random thoughts, don’t know why, well, I do, but not in that moment, that I’d quite like to gag all the stupid people and force them to watch the Parliamentary Channel for three days straight. That made me think of TV, so the pasta went in the bin and I tried watching me some Netflix. It had the 20 per cent annoyance – nothing would download beyond 20 per cent – and so I decided to check out Amazon Prime. I’m not a fan of Prime. Anyone who employs Jeremy Clarkson deserves to be shunned, really. I can tell you with certainty that’s a man who confuses vagina and vulva. He probably thinks you can drive the latter. He probably watches Vagpuss.
Still, I entered the pit as another thought came to me, namely how grateful we all should be that those alleged-to-exist dick pics of Jeff Bezos weren’t widely disseminated. He’s the world’s richest man and owner of Amazon, for those who don’t know, and he’s in the news because of smartphone photography and his penis. What a world!
Anyway – again, I know – I came across this brilliant show on Amazon Prime called The Marvelous Mrs Maisel, about a woman who life treats like shit but she triumphs in the end as a standup comedian. Not sure why it resonates but hey, makes me think it’s time I did some proper standup. I’ve wanted to give it a go for a while. Seriously. Allegedly I can be quite amusing and go off on detailed rambles through a range of subjects that bubble up as random thoughts. Can’t see it myself.
Andrew’s latest book, myfibromyalgia: one man’s experience of living with chronic illness, is out now in all Amazon store territories the world over. The ebook is £5.99 and the paperback £8.99. UK Amazon link.