Donald Trump got to be US President by promising to build a wall to keep out all the people wanting to join all the other people who aren’t Native Americans in entering America and then acting like they own the place. It’s a simple idea, whatever you think of it.
America, you see is full. Now that buttock enhancements have really taken off in the US – either by spending the money on plastic surgery, or just by eating a lot – there isn’t a lot of room for anyone to move around. Not that they want to. Or can. “Pass me the remote, can you, Martha?” “Where is it, Ronnie?” “On my knee. At least, I think it’s my knee. I can’t tell.”
So anyway. Wall. Simple, pretend solution for a problem that only exists in the minds of the hateful, confused, easily led and just plain dumb. With that in mind, I’ve come up with a way to break the Brexshit impasse.
It’s a box. Specifically, it’s a cardboard box. For the seven environmentally conscious individuals living in tents in Cumbria but still somehow getting posted demands for council tax and water rates, it’s a recycled box. You can rest easy. No new trees had to die to make this box. Even though it’s a very big box.
What you do is you make a great big cardboard box and into it you put all the Leavers. Every single one of them. It might get a bit cosy in there but the one thing you can’t accuse Leavers of is being unfriendly unless you have a German accent or bear a passing resemblance to Jeremy Corbyn. Once you’ve confirmed Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Jacob Rees-Mogg are in the box and you haven’t left any white van drivers with very red faces or Daily Mail readers out, close the box and seal it with tape.
Now, at last, the Leavers have the simple solution they crave to stop all those immigrants stealing the jobs they aren’t themselves interested in or qualified to do. Unless you count the diverse racial history of the British Isles, in which case most of us are actually Scandinavian Vikings or French, there won’t be any immigrants in the box. And you’ve sealed it. Nobody’s getting in there after the fact unless you leave it in the rain. Which we won’t. Because we’re humane.
Of course, the Leavers will think everyone outside the box has box envy and wants to come in but we can assure them: it ain’t happening. There won’t be many Scots in there, of course. Leavers were always comfortable with the idea of Scotland breaking away to become independent, successful and outward-looking anyway. See, the Scottish majority have this crazy desire to conduct free trade with the rest of the world and encourage tourism.
Leavers will have to put up with a few Northern Irish DUP members, though. They’re harmless enough unless you’re LGBT, need to have an abortion or want to talk any sense at all without referencing Jesus in every third sentence – but hey, these are Leavers we’re talking about: there won’t be much sense anyway. It’ll be real. Certified fact-free. There won’t be many scientists either. Or nurses. Or carers. But they didn’t want them anyway. Or medicine. They’ll be okay. It’ll be like the Blitz. Good times.
Now you take the box somewhere nice and green and very English – anywhere in Surrey would be a good choice – and you leave it there. Leave the Leavers. Don’t worry about food and medicine – they don’t, after all. It’ll be okay. Trust your feelings. Feelings beat facts every time.
Go back to the box in 30 years and see how things are going in Utopia but be advised, it might smell a bit rank by then. Meanwhile, the rest of us can get on with our lives without fear of our elected representatives being threatened with violence and death for ‘not respecting democracy’ and busy ourselves rebuilding Britain’s destroyed reputation of having even a single shred of common fucking sense.
A box. A 21st Century simple solution to everything that divides us. Just put it all away and forget about it. You know, the same way Leavers do whenever they’re confronted with informed predictions of economic and social chaos in the event of a no deal Brexshit.
Maybe we can sell the idea to Trump. The US has more resources and can build an even bigger box. You could put all the Republicans in it. Even the extra-extra-large ones.
Andrew’s latest book, myfibromyalgia: one man’s experience of living with chronic illness, is out now in all Amazon store territories the world over. The ebook is £5.99 and the paperback £8.99. UK Amazon link.